| Once upon a time, I thought I had it all. I had a child, a | | | | my husband. He and Cameron took to each other |
| career, the world at my feet. Or, so I thought. | | | | immediately, and one day, Cameron asked Bill to be his |
| With the birth of my second son, my whole world | | | | Dad. Bill happily accepted, and they've been father and |
| changed. I moved into a new home, got a new car, | | | | son ever since. |
| made new friends. The biggest change, though, was | | | | A couple of years ago, I learned that Cameron would |
| internal. Suddenly, my head started listening to my | | | | soon have a new baby brother. Since we only had a |
| heart a little more. My career and moving up in the | | | | two bedroom home at the time, we bought a new, |
| corporate world suddenly became something I HAD to | | | | bigger home to accommodate our new, bigger family. |
| do, because I needed to pay the bills. Suddenly, I | | | | Our new neighborhood welcomed us with open arms. |
| wanted what other people had. I wanted to stay home | | | | There were plenty of kids to play with and plenty of |
| with my kids and take care of my family. | | | | parents for Bill and me to socialize with. |
| Wait a minute, who was this straight from 1950 | | | | I met my friend Lori a couple of months before our |
| woman taking over my brain? Was it post-partum | | | | baby was born. Lori was a stay at home mom who |
| insanity or had someone mysteriously slipped me | | | | lived across the street. We became fast friends, and |
| some sort of anti-feminist drug? I was raised to believe | | | | when I went on maternity leave about three weeks |
| that I was EQUAL to every man, in fact, maybe even | | | | before the baby was born, she was over almost daily. |
| a little better. I believed that I should not take care of a | | | | It was like we'd known each other forever. |
| man, in fact; maybe he should be taking care of me. | | | | Even though I liked Lori right off the bat, as I listened to |
| How dare anyone ask me to put my career on hold to | | | | her talk about being a stay at home mom, I thought her |
| raise children? I believed that my career should be | | | | viewpoint was a little off. I even felt a little sorry for |
| paramount in my life, that I could and should HAVE IT | | | | her, having such "outdated" ideas and all. Still, I believe |
| ALL. I was certain that I could have my cake and eat it | | | | that it's important to respect other peoples' opinions |
| with a golden fork. And for six years, I thought I did. | | | | and choices, so I tried to understand. |
| I gave birth to my first son at the ripe old age of 22. | | | | Since my mom was raised during women's lib, I was |
| He was the most beautiful thing I had ever had the | | | | taught that women worked, just like men. Men and |
| privilege to lay my eyes on, but the actual birth | | | | women were not to be put in "stereotypical" roles. |
| experience was the most horrific thing I'd ever | | | | Therefore, whenever I felt that someone was trying to |
| experienced. After 23 hours of induced labor, this boy | | | | put me in such a role, I would be offended. |
| came screaming into the world via a Cesarean section | | | | When our second son, the beautiful Noah, was born, |
| WITHOUT anesthesia. That's right, surgery without | | | | everything changed. Noah was different than his |
| anesthesia. Somehow the anesthesiologist had | | | | brother. First, he had trouble learning to nurse. Cameron |
| messed up, and the epidural had been pulled out of my | | | | had latched on immediately. Noah took almost a week |
| back sometime before surgery. Talk about pain. Oh, | | | | to get it. It felt like months, and I spent several hours |
| and let me tell you, when they say you forget that | | | | crying on the phone with La Leche League counselors. |
| pain, they LIE! I still remember every excruciating | | | | When he finally got it, though, he became quite |
| moment, almost 8 years later. | | | | dedicated to it. Noah's little personality was quite the |
| This traumatic experience produced the first genuine | | | | opposite of Cameron's too. He was very laid back and |
| love in my life, my lovely Cameron. He has been a true | | | | only complained if he was wet, hungry, or tired. Now, |
| joy and a real challenge since the day he was born. I | | | | this may sound normal to most people, but after having |
| often tell people about the first night he was home. | | | | Cameron, the baby who could rarely be comforted, |
| Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had a pretty | | | | being able to "fix" the crying by changing, feeding, or |
| severe case of colic. I thought something was | | | | rocking him to sleep was quite a luxury. |
| seriously wrong, because all he'd done since birth was | | | | During my maternity leave, I found a website, |
| scream, nurse, and sleep in 20 minute increments. I | | | | flylady.net, which, along with my friend Lori, changed |
| hadn't slept for literally a week. While my husband | | | | my perception of being a stay at home mom. Then, I |
| snored peacefully in the next room, I held this beautiful, | | | | read "Woman Power" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. This |
| screaming thing in front of me, staring at his pinched | | | | book, although it has a misleading title, discusses the |
| face, watching as his little legs kicked at the air. I cried | | | | true power of women in families and relationships. It |
| with him, I screamed with him, and God help me, I knew | | | | discusses the traditional roles of husbands and wives |
| at that moment why parents shook their babies. Thank | | | | and why they might not be so bad. This was quite an |
| the same God for all of those commercials about | | | | eye-opener for me, and I highly recommend it to |
| shaken baby syndrome, because in that moment of | | | | anyone in a relationship. |
| insanity, I believe it's the only thing that saved my son. I | | | | Suddenly, I realized that "staying home" with your kids |
| truly believed at that moment that if I just shook him a | | | | and taking care of your family and home was NOT |
| little, it might quiet the inconsolable screams. | | | | "not working". It was "working at home". Working for |
| Instead, I put my son down in his bassinet and walked | | | | your family. What a light bulb moment! Taking care of |
| out onto our balcony, taking deep breaths and trying to | | | | one's home was, in fact, blessing one's family. It was a |
| convince myself that I deserved a child, that I was not | | | | special and wonderful thing I could do for them. So, as |
| the worst mother in the world, that God did not make | | | | soon as I was physically able, I started taking care of |
| a mistake giving me this gift. | | | | my home and family the way I thought they deserved. |
| Cameron and I made it through that first night. Later | | | | The change in attitudes was almost immediate. For the |
| that year, we made it through the separation and | | | | rest of my maternity leave, dinner was on the table |
| divorce from his father. Then we made it through | | | | each night at 6, the house was in order, and the |
| several years of single motherhood with no child | | | | laundry was done. The kids and my husband received |
| support and no daddy visiting. It was a difficult and | | | | loving care and attention daily. It was wonderful. |
| painful time, but it gave me the kind of strength that | | | | I dreaded returning to work, but I didn't have a choice |
| nothing else could. Being a stay at home mom was | | | | at that time. Bill had a decent job, but we couldn't |
| clearly never an option at that time, since I was the | | | | afford to live on just his salary. The first couple of |
| sole support for our little family of two. | | | | weeks I was back, I tried to keep up the house and |
| When my ex-husband dropped out of Cameron's life | | | | put dinner in the crock pot almost every night so that |
| before he was 2, I just stopped talking about him for a | | | | we could still eat at a decent hour. I was up late into |
| long time. Then, one day, my baby looked into my face | | | | each night cleaning and preparing for the next day, not |
| and asked me where his daddy was. He said that | | | | to mention that my darling baby son wasn't quite |
| everyone at his pre-school had daddies, and he | | | | sleeping through the night yet. |
| wanted to know why he didn't. I hoped this moment | | | | Eventually, my habits slipped back into my usual work |
| would never come. I didn't really know what to say to | | | | mode--eating out several nights a week, cleaning only |
| a three year old to explain why he didn't have a | | | | on weekends, rushing around trying to "have it all", the |
| daddy, so I just explained that there were different | | | | usual. Bill and I discussed my becoming a stay at home |
| kinds of families. Some, I told him, might have just a | | | | mom, and agreed that although we both wanted it, we |
| mommy, but others might have just a daddy or some | | | | couldn't afford it yet. |
| grandparents. He somewhat accepted this idea, so I | | | | A few months later, Bill got a new job making literally |
| spoke to his pre-school to make sure that they were | | | | twice as much as he'd made before. What a blessing! |
| discussing these different types of families. | | | | Life got a little easier as our financial state was much |
| Later, Cameron and I went to counseling as the | | | | more comfortable. Still, I did not feel that I could quit my |
| questions continued and my answers just didn't satisfy | | | | job. I felt tied to it and feared what could happen if I |
| him any more. This was when things became | | | | took the chance and left. |
| especially difficult, because the counselor told me that I | | | | I worked 40 hours a week in the office, and many |
| needed to tell Cameron "THE TRUTH" of what had | | | | nights and weekends I brought work home with me. I |
| happened, or at least as much as the then 4 year old | | | | felt like my work was taking over my life, and as any |
| child could understand. I should tell him that his father | | | | working mother knows, sometimes it feels like you |
| and I were once very much in love and married, and | | | | almost have to do twice as much work as other |
| that we had Cameron out of that love. I was to then | | | | people to prove that you are worth keeping around. I |
| say that his father had some personal problems and | | | | got a promotion and was promised more if I could |
| needed to be away from the family and that even | | | | keep up. I missed my kids, but having a strong work |
| though he had every right to come and visit his son, he | | | | ethic, I kept up as well as I could. Every day, I secretly |
| CHOSE not to do that. | | | | prayed that we would find a way to bring me home. |
| This, of course, was completely different from | | | | Bill and I kept trying to figure out a way and kept |
| everything I had ever said about his father. I never said | | | | finding reasons that I needed to keep working. |
| anything negative or even remotely identifying about | | | | One day, I was called into the office and fired. I still |
| his father. So, for awhile, I resisted telling him "THE | | | | don't know exactly why, but I know this much: |
| TRUTH". I thought that it would hurt him more than help. | | | | EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! I believe |
| Finally, Cameron began making up stories about his | | | | that God knew that I would never take that leap of |
| "dad", saying he'd go visit on the weekends or that he | | | | faith and leave my job, unless I was forced to do so. |
| might go stay there for the summer. The pre-school, | | | | Since I was fired, Bill and I decided that it was time for |
| knowing our situation, brought this to my attention. I | | | | me to try staying home. So, I'm home. And, may I say, |
| figured it was normal for kids in our situation to do this, | | | | LOVING IT!! Once again, my family has a comfortable |
| but I knew it was time to tell him what really happened. | | | | home, clean laundry, good home-cooked meals every |
| Our counselor encouraged me, saying that telling him | | | | night, and my children are being raised by none other |
| would help him to understand that he and I were not at | | | | than their very own mother! |
| fault and that I would always be there for him. | | | | Sure, finances are a little tighter than they were, but |
| So, one night, as we lay nose to nose in my bed, I told | | | | considering that we are no longer paying for daycare |
| Cameron about his father, just as the counselor had | | | | or after school care, gas and lunches and work |
| instructed me. He asked why his dad didn't want to | | | | clothes for me, it's not quite as tight as you might think. |
| see him and I had to tell him that I didn't know, but that | | | | We are doing just fine. I only wish that I'd had the |
| he was missing out on the best kid in the world. He | | | | courage to take the chance earlier. |
| asked if it was his fault and I told him that of course it | | | | It is amazing how one's experiences can change her |
| was not, that his dad had problems and didn't know | | | | very core beliefs and values. My personal experiences |
| what a wonderful boy he was missing. | | | | changed me from a driven, career minded, woman |
| Then we cried together. I held my baby and wiped | | | | who tried to have it all, to a driven, stay at home mom |
| away his tears as he wept for the father he couldn't | | | | and writer who has all she wants or needs. I have my |
| even remember. | | | | loving, well taken care of family and home, time to |
| And, we made it through that night, stronger than ever. | | | | write, and great friends. What more could a woman |
| A few months later, I met Bill, who would later become | | | | ask for? |