| A harmonious relationship uplifts the spirit, heals and | | | | From there, you see your freedom and power to |
| vitalizes the body, fuels the heart with inspiration and | | | | change. |
| helps the mind to clearly focus. It empowers you to | | | | But change only happens by small degrees. You have |
| tackle every challenge in life more easily and more | | | | to make peace with the slow pace of improvement. If |
| effectively. | | | | you insist on demonstrating total control over your |
| Disharmony in a marriage, in contrast, poisons the | | | | situation, you will pass up the opportunity to make small |
| spouses' moods and attitudes, distracts their mental | | | | changes that lead you along the path of improvement. |
| focus and undermines their physical health. It lowers | | | | Focus on what you can do to make a difference, |
| their levels of performance in every area of life. It | | | | however small that difference might seem. If you |
| contributes more strife to the world. | | | | continue doing the best you can, your confidence in |
| The children of a couple in discord receive the brunt of | | | | your ability to make big change will grow, and things will |
| its disturbing impact, in part because the child's | | | | improve at least as much as you really can improve |
| personality is shaped by every aspect of her | | | | them. You can apply this wisdom to any area of life to |
| surroundings, including the quality of relationships to | | | | shift from a demoralizing feeling of futility and defeat |
| which she is exposed. | | | | into a motivated, pro-active stance. |
| A 3-year old attacked another child at preschool the | | | | Growing into a more harmonious mate does not mean |
| day after his parents had a severe argument. A | | | | trying to placate your mate or attempting to manipulate |
| 5-year old yelled at his teacher after one of his | | | | him into treating you more nicely. It means being in |
| parents' typical screaming matches. During one of his | | | | more harmony with yourself, with your life, when your |
| wife's extended silent-steaming periods of deep | | | | spouse chooses to conduct herself in ways that used |
| feelings of resentment toward him, the father of an | | | | to disturb you right out of a heart of peace. This does |
| eight-year old endured his child disrespectfully ignoring | | | | not mean pretending to like whatever your mate does, |
| his greeting and sneering at him hostilely when he | | | | or keeping silent about changes you would like to see. |
| asked her what was wrong, appearing like a young | | | | It means relating with your mate constructively, rather |
| mirror-reflection of her mother's darting, angry glance. | | | | than destructively outside of your own harmonious |
| A 14-year old bullies his younger brother in a manner | | | | balance. |
| that matches the condescending, bossy way his father | | | | Taking responsibility for your reactions does not mean |
| rules the roost. His mother sadly observed that the | | | | launching into a personal attack on yourself when you |
| younger sibling shows morose signs of demoralization | | | | slip up and fall into one of your own destructive |
| that reminds her of how powerless she feels to | | | | patterns. Simply focus on the present moment with |
| change the situation. | | | | aim of restoring your balanced, harmonious state. By |
| A child's problematic behavior can often be traced | | | | focusing attention on your own feelings, instead of |
| back to the strife in his parent's relationship. Even the | | | | focusing on what you or your mate just did or said, |
| way a child's divorced parents relate with one another | | | | your feelings will guide you toward harmony. Your |
| can send a child's behavior and attitude into a negative | | | | feelings lead you to feel better. They operate as an |
| spiral. As long as his parents squabble, or one parent | | | | internal guidance system. Just as you naturally sense |
| mistreats the other, the child has more difficulty | | | | how to shift your body from a posture of discomfort |
| demonstrating higher potential and finds it easier to | | | | into comfort, you can sense how to gradually shift into |
| demonstrate lower potential. If your child is getting into | | | | a more comfortable, positive emotional state. Think |
| trouble, but you believe your marriage to be | | | | about what you can do to feel even slightly better and |
| harmonious enough, you may want to check with your | | | | you will get an idea. |
| spouse to see if you are in agreement. If your spouse | | | | In the heat of anger, though, we believe that the only |
| disagrees, and you belittle her point of view, at least a | | | | way to feel better is to lash out at the person who |
| part of the problem with your relationship has surfaced. | | | | "made us angry", but doing this only compounds and |
| While no relationship is perfect, because a marriage is | | | | complicates the conflict. You actually end up feeling |
| a manifestation of life, and life is fraught with challenge, | | | | worse. Though a momentary sense of relief might |
| you can always improve the quality of your relationship | | | | follow, you soon begin feeling confused and insecure, |
| to make a more positive experience and influence. | | | | because you know you have done damage to the |
| And the influence of the quality of the marriage of a | | | | relationship, and now that your anger has passed, you |
| child's parents proves lasting. Take a close look at the | | | | realize how much you really care about the |
| ways that you relate with your mate and you will most | | | | relationship. |
| likely see characteristics similar to the weaknesses | | | | Angry reactions masquerade as a genuine sense of |
| and strengths displayed by the ways your parents | | | | urgency. Under the influence of an angry reaction, you |
| related. When you belittle your spouse's viewpoint, you | | | | believe that nothing is more important that getting back |
| teach your child to relate similarly with that parent, as | | | | at the one who angered you. But when you feel calm |
| well as with others. When you express genuine | | | | once again, you realize that many things are infinitely |
| kindness, sensitivity and respect toward your spouse, | | | | more important to you than that, like your mate's love |
| your child learns to express those finer qualities in all | | | | and your children's well-being, even your own |
| relationships. | | | | happiness, success and well-being, all of which are |
| One of the most negative results of an inharmonious | | | | undermined by your angry attacks. |
| relationship is the challenge it poses to the self-esteem | | | | The urge to lash out in anger at your mate indicates |
| of the couple and the children involved. We all have a | | | | that you believe you need to improve your mate |
| dream, an ideal, of the perfect relationship. And children | | | | instead of improving the way you relate with your |
| have a dream for their parents' relationship. When that | | | | mate. Angry reactions arise to shield your feelings of |
| dream goes bust, we consciously or unconsciously | | | | vulnerability in response to hurt feelings. But this shield |
| feel a sense of inferiority, inadequacy, unworthiness. | | | | conceals your true feelings from you. Then your |
| This further lowers or level of motivation and makes it | | | | feelings cannot guide you into what you can do to feel |
| impossible for us to bring our best to life. | | | | better. The hurt remains, poisoning your attitude, |
| Because the relationship between the parents | | | | compromising your health, depleting your energy, |
| demonstrates so much authority over the child's | | | | lowering your performance and limiting the success |
| feelings and behaviors, both now and long into the | | | | you achieve in life. |
| future, the harmony of their relationship equates with a | | | | Practice relating with your mate more consciously, with |
| primary parental responsibility. To improve your child's | | | | more attention focused on the present moment. |
| level of performance in any area of life, including | | | | Otherwise you relate somnambulistically, unconsciously, |
| school, bring more stable, loving, mutual respectful | | | | without realizing how your thoughts, feelings, speech |
| harmony into your marriage. To improve your own | | | | and actions actually function in the relationship. You |
| results in any area of your life, reduce the strife and | | | | then you feel powerless and blame your spouse for |
| increase the harmony in your marriage. If you struggle | | | | the displeasing conditions you create or contribute to. |
| financially, for instance, that may be a result or | | | | The next time that you feel tempted to complain about |
| reflection, to some extent, of the draining impact of | | | | your mate not helping out more around the house, or |
| your conflict with your mate. | | | | about your mate seeming too self-absorbed and |
| Now that we have established the crucial importance | | | | absent, focus on how you feel. If you seek control |
| of a harmonious relationship, let's examine how to | | | | from a state of internal discord, you will most likely |
| achieve it. | | | | generate more discord in your relationship, not more |
| Perhaps the greatest obstacle to marital harmony has | | | | understanding, consideration and cooperation. |
| to do with the belief that our mate has to change. This | | | | Your harsh, angry criticism will backfire every time. It |
| distracts us from our true source of power to improve | | | | triggers defensiveness and sparks resentment, incites |
| things, and ends up keeping us feeling stuck in the | | | | distrust. Even if you force your mate to change his |
| same old cycle of marital strife. | | | | behavior, you will lose closeness; the depth of your |
| To experience more harmony in your marriage, | | | | intimacy will diminish. If you have created damage in |
| concentrate on being more harmonious in your | | | | your relationship, waste little time beating yourself up |
| marriage. You leave your own harmonious state when | | | | for it. Focus right now on getting into your harmonious, |
| you fall into a cruelly critical, condescending attitude | | | | balanced emotional state and on relating more |
| toward your spouse. You leave your harmony when | | | | consciously with your spouse. |
| you feel like a victim of your mate, regarding your | | | | If your spouse seems to have caused much damage |
| mate as your villain. You leave your harmony when | | | | through destructive ways of seeking control over you, |
| you feel like your marriage is some kind of trap. | | | | the same solution applies. Your priority is to get into |
| Believing that your spouse makes you fall into such | | | | harmony yourself. In a state of balance and harmony |
| discordant states keeps you stuck in them. | | | | you have access to your best judgment and can |
| The instant that you express harsh, cruel, cutting | | | | proceed from there in line with your true interests. |
| criticism, your mate begins to shut down, erect a wall | | | | When you feel harmonious and balanced within, you |
| and distance. You may express your negativity | | | | exert a harmonious and balancing influence on your |
| passively in the form of intense disappointment, | | | | mate. This does not mean that he will become |
| discontent, or even a depressed and defeated attitude | | | | perfectly harmonious, aware, loving and kind. But you |
| toward yourself for being stuck in the relationship. Or | | | | will be making it easier for your spouse to express his |
| you may express it aggressively by shouting, arguing | | | | loving nature. |
| endlessly for your point of view, issuing angry verbal | | | | When your mate expresses offensiveness or |
| put-downs or through intimidating, even violent action. | | | | defensiveness, however, make it your goal to focus |
| You may express it passive-aggressively by having a | | | | less on how she is behaving and to focus mostly on |
| secret affair or being overly flirtatious outside the | | | | how you are feeling, with the aim of regaining or |
| relationship, or through self-destructive abuse of | | | | maintaining your own harmonious peace and poise. |
| alcohol, excessive eating, shopping, or workaholism. | | | | When marital strife erupts in your relationship, instead |
| However you deliver your attack, your negative | | | | of trying to fix, correct or control your mate, focus |
| reactions to your mate send your mate away, | | | | your attention to how you are feeling, thinking, speaking |
| psychologically or physically, making him less accessible | | | | and acting. This will gradually make you aware of what |
| to work with you on any problems or issues that | | | | you need to do for yourself, and what you have the |
| trouble you. You may be able to logically justify, | | | | power to do for your spouse and your relationship. |
| rationalize, or excuse your discordant tactics, but you | | | | As a general rule, no matter how right you may be, |
| will only receive less cooperation, consideration and | | | | communicating kindly works better than communicating |
| support as long as you remain a source of discord. | | | | in a cruel way. One client I had surprised me when she |
| The fact is that the attitude another expresses around | | | | argued, "But I have tried speaking to my husband in a |
| us, or toward us, has an impact upon us. When | | | | kind way. It doesn't work. He doesn't change." Well, |
| another feels depressed, nervous, insecure, it draws on | | | | what is the alternative? If kindness does not work, will |
| our own feelings to enter similarly discordant states. | | | | angry, cruel put-downs win you more loving |
| When we receive another's verbal put-downs, it | | | | cooperation? The point of relating harmoniously is not |
| becomes more difficult for us to feel and do our best. | | | | to demonstrate magical domination over your mate. |
| But this does not mean that we are justified in | | | | Your mate is free to live her life as she chooses and |
| resenting our mate and feeling victimized. As you meet | | | | you have to learn how to live with that or without that. |
| this challenge by improving your response, seeking to | | | | Harmonious relating is the best you can do to bring out |
| deal with the situation in a loving, harmonious, | | | | the highest potential of the relationship. If your mate |
| constructive way, you bring out your higher potential. | | | | does not fulfill his responsibilities you have to determine |
| You grow. You become more capable of creating and | | | | whether you can live harmoniously with that, or must |
| maintaining a healthy, harmonious relationship. This has | | | | live harmoniously without it. |
| a positive affect on your mate, and on your children. | | | | But don't give up on your mate or your marriage too |
| No matter how kind, caring or sensitive your manner of | | | | easily. It takes two strong individuals to remain in a |
| interacting with your mate, she will not want to listen to | | | | relationship long enough to pass through the tests and |
| your issues all the time. You may have too many | | | | trials and fulfill its loving potential. You have to go |
| issues, meaning that you depend too much on your | | | | through challenges, some of which will cut you to the |
| mate for your happiness. But to receive the most | | | | core. Life puts you through that. Don't take it personally. |
| consideration and openness from your mate, reduce | | | | Don't expect a relationship to save you from that. |
| your harsh, cutting criticism from your verbal, tonal, | | | | Sometimes you have to let go of your relationship in |
| attitudinal repertoire. No one can be for you while you | | | | your mind for a while and focus on living your life your |
| are against him. A belittling, humiliating attitude assaults | | | | way, in line with your fulfillment, as you allow the wave |
| the feeling of self-worth and self-confidence in your | | | | of contention to simply pass. Everything changes |
| mate, forcing her to close her mind out of | | | | naturally in time. |
| self-protection. One can only handle so much personal | | | | We set the stage for energy draining, antagonistic |
| attack without it causing damage. As long as your | | | | conflict when we make it more important to convince |
| angry, emotional tirades spin out of your control, the | | | | our mate of how right we are, than to relate with our |
| quality of your relationship with your spouse remains | | | | mate in a kind and loving, respectful manner. Being right |
| out of your control. | | | | does not compensate for being unkind, nor does it |
| Taking total responsibility for your emotional reactions | | | | really justify it. You will never create a happier |
| begins improving your reactions, because when you | | | | marriage by relating with your mate as your inferior. |
| leave your harmonious, loving balance you then feel a | | | | To the extent that you put others down and relate |
| sense of humility that instantly redirects the energy | | | | with them as inferior or inadequate, unworthy of your |
| that would have gone into attacking your mate and | | | | respect you express your own fear and feelings of |
| sends it into repairing your own emotional state. | | | | inferiority. This is as good as an absolute law of life. |
| If you examine your angry, dissatisfied feelings toward | | | | The next time that you feel the urge to put your mate |
| your spouse, you will see that you regard your spouse | | | | down either verbally or in the privacy of your own |
| as responsible for those feelings. But more honest and | | | | mind, take a good look at how you really feel about |
| intensive self-examination reveals that how you feel | | | | yourself. Until you let go of your own feelings of |
| about your spouse is rooted in your own habitual | | | | inadequacy, you will continue trying to make your mate |
| mental and emotional reaction patterns. You cannot | | | | feel inadequate. |
| feel angry with your mate without thinking of your | | | | As long as you regard your mate as inadequate you |
| mate in a way that makes you feel angry. This means | | | | conceal from yourself your own feelings of |
| that your thinking, how you use and relate with your | | | | inadequacy. This prevents you from feeling any better, |
| own mind makes you angry. Also, when you feel | | | | and from treating your mate any better. So how do |
| angry, you feel threatened; your angry reactions, then, | | | | you release yourself from feelings of inadequacy? |
| stem from your insecurity, not your spouse's behavior. | | | | First, be on the alert lookout all the time to recognize |
| And your angry reactions most probably reflect or | | | | when you express a derogatory attitude toward |
| represent the angry relationship pattern displayed by at | | | | anyone. Hiding our feelings about ourselves behind an |
| least one of the people who raised you. The proves | | | | attack on another becomes habitual. Then, when you |
| true for all inharmonious feelings you might have for | | | | notice yourself expressing that derogatory attitude, |
| your mate or your marriage, including disappointment, | | | | instead of thinking about that other person, focus on |
| disapproval or dissatisfaction. | | | | your feelings, just your feelings. As stated earlier, your |
| As long as you blame your spouse for the chaotic | | | | feelings will guide you toward feeling better. You will |
| emotional blow-outs or seething, critical attitudes you | | | | see your freedom and power to let go of your |
| express you doom yourself to return to those | | | | feelings of inadequacy and returning to your naturally |
| unhappy conditions that promote marital discord. The | | | | harmonious and loving state. |
| moment you begin paying closer attention to how your | | | | Practicing more self-awareness in the present |
| angry, insecure, unhappy reactions affect you, you | | | | moment is really the most central key to a couple's |
| begin seeing these as conditions you are giving to | | | | harmony. |
| yourself, and, by extension, to your mate and children. | | | | |